God is never too early...or late!

It's been a week since our little Annabel has joined us in this world.
What an amazing experience it has been with our first baby. Did things go as planned? Not even close.
Our plan was to have a natural birth with minimal medical interventions but our little one decided to come 1 week early and my contractions did not come gradually, it started right away at 1 every 10 minutes at 3am on Sunday. We called the midwife in the morning and she scheduled us in for a check. Yes I was in labour. She asked if we wanted to go home to rest and wait until it was closer to the time to push or use Syntocinon to speed things up. We chose to go home. Nothing happened until about 4pm when my contractions got closer and I thought yay it's time.

We got to the hospital and found out I wasn't ready - I was still only at 2cm but yet the contractions were so frequent and painful so in came the gas. We decided to use Syntocinon as well to start the pushing process but when the midwife broke my waters she found that our little girl had pooped in the water. That was not a good sign. So in came the epidural  - we were very fortunate to not have to wait for an anaesthetist. She came in and in between my contractions did what she needed to do once and was done in a few minutes. We had a really good one and she wasn't even a consultant.

And then we waited. Then it was time to do the hard work. It felt like I was in a tv drama with our midwife, the hospital midwife, two paediatricians, a nurse and a student all surrounding my bed. After 2.5 hours our midwife was ready to do an episiotomy while the paediatrician got all the gear ready for ventouse (our midwife and the docs weren't agreeing with each other) and just as they were about go ahead to do their thing, our little baby girl decided to come out.

The drama didn't stop though, I met her for 5 minutes and got wheeled into theatre for 2 hours because I was losing a lot of blood because I had a 3rd degree tear - in the end I lost 1.3 litres of blood and then the next day fell and fainted twice when I got up.

Even though there were so many complications, things we didn't plan to happen happened I am very thankful to God that both of us are well and that my husband was there the whole time with me. As the title of this post says.. God is always on time - never too early or late.

Was this a scary experience? Yes but the whole time I was just praying to God that our little girl was ok. I ended up saying yes to everything to help her - that was my priority. The other thing I guess that made me calm and as relaxed (besides all the drugs) as I could be was this song. It was in my mind the whole time and looking back I am very thankful that although it wasn't a "perfect" or ideal birthing situation, God provided the right care at the right time to help us through this.

Me without You..

A short post since I've just posted my last one.

This song was one of my fave songs in 2012 and was number 1 on Life FM, which is one of NZ's Christian radio stations. Plus..the clip is soooo cool!!

As tempting as it may be..I hope I don't "chase every breeze that blows my way" because I would just be building a kingdom to watch it fade (as I have seen many times) if it is without God.

Where would I be without God?

Enjoy! :)

In all things give thanks..

1 Thessalonians 5

The Day of the Lord

Now, brothers and sisters, about times and dates we do not need to write to you, for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, “Peace and safety,” destruction will come on them suddenly, as labor pains on a pregnant woman, and they will not escape.

But you, brothers and sisters, are not in darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief. You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be awake and sober. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Final Instructions

Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hardamong you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Do not quench the Spirit. Do not treat prophecies with contempt but test them all; hold on to what is good, reject every kind of evil.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.

Brothers and sisters, pray for us. Greet all God’s people with a holy kiss. I charge you before the Lord to have this letter read to all the brothers and sisters.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

As the start of a new year begins and another has past it is timely for reflections, learnings and experiences. 

2012 was a massive year - I got married and finished my masters as two major milestones - all thanks to God. It was a year where I got to travel a lot to Hong Kong, Shenzhen, Guangzhou, Hainan, Sydney, Paihia, Queenstown, Glenorchy. But most importantly, I was able to do most of this with my family :) It seems like I was lucky to be able to travel so much but sacrifices were made and in particular my family made many to make this happen. I thank God that He has given me such an awesome family!

It was also not an easy year full of changes and not so great experiences however with each of these God helped me to be stronger. Not to mention that it was supposed to be the end of the world! But what I've learnt is that with most things.. You have a choice. To be happy, sad, joyful, bitter, thankful, resentful, free, full of regret and so on. HOW you choose to respond to what is given to you is your choice. Life is also short and fragile so it's important to take time and appreciate what others do for you. As the Bible verse says.. Let them know that you appreciate their help too!

Late last year, I had the opportunity to finally go to Queenstown. It was the perfect end to my year and was the break I needed. It is such a beautiful place and words can't describe it. It is the most peaceful place that I have been to and everything seems to just look after itself. I know some people will think that it is such a boring place to live but there is something about the energy in Queenstown and it's surrounds that you would never get in the city. 

Not only did I get a break but what I also realised is that all the mountains, lakes, fields etc are all virtually untouched, the farms are so huge and farmers just let their sheep wander and nature just does it's thing. God looks after such massive structures like the Southern Alps all the way down to the farms and the grass. So what more could God do with my life? How much more can He help me?

After this trip, my brother-in-law also had a few thoughts and came up with this which I think is really good to remind us of what giving thanks is about. He is an avid photographer and of course really loves a place like Queenstown and surrounds. However, this year when he went back with us, the lakes had changed and he was not able to get the same photos as what he did previously. He was upset but what he realised was that the photos he took last year was actually rare and could only happen under certain circumstances - at the time he actually didn't realise how special the photos were. At the time the weather wasn't great so he wasn't expecting great photos. This year we had great weather and he couldn't take the same photos.

Whatever happens in 2013 I will try to remember my favourite verse - "it's not about what I can do but it's about what God can do":

Psalm 46:10

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations;  I will be exalted in the earth.”

Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

A sad time..

So this blog is beginning to look like a pretty sad one and that my life is full of sad things around me. I still believe that God is looking after me and others despite what has happened.

Yesterday, a student fell from the top level of the building where I work. Unfortunately a lot of students were witnesses to this tragedy as it was inside the building and I saw the aftermath (I really thank God that my plans had somehow changed so I actually missed seeing the fall - if I saw it, I think I would be in an even worse state). My first thoughts were - is it a student that I've seen? Did I miss something and could have helped him? Turns out it was a student I know but not too well. The sadness hit me almost immediately. I was shaking but had to see my second student who seemed indifferent to what had happened. Two weeks ago, a non-student hung himself in one of our gardens. Yesterday was his memorial service. Last week, I saw a girl crying and I thought she was breaking up with her boyfriend until she shouted "I can't get a B, I need to get an A". My regret was I didn't stop to comfort her.

I feel sad that there is so much emphasis on getting a tertiary education and don't get me wrong, I believe that going to study is really important. Lately there have been so many stories about students not being able to get jobs and the competition between students is incredible. They panic each other and more and more I have to do damage control. The flip side is that students then end up with so much pressure that it might only take one bad exam to tip them over the edge. We will never know what made these students choose to do what they did. I hope that we don't have a trend that will continue. I hope that students who are under pressure and stress seek help. That's the best advice I can give. No matter how hard things seem and it feels like things can't change - go talk to someone, pray, see a counsellor, anything. Your education is important but it's not the end of the world if things don't go the way as planned. Many successful people have failed in life and that's what makes them stronger and successful. But definitely seeking help, as hard as it may be, is so important. I pray that students who are in need can get the help and support that they need.

I will never look at that area and students studying before their exams the same again. My greatest fear in my job has always been - will I miss someone, could have helped them so that they don't end their life in tragedy? And who will be next?

Today was a nice one. I went out with some colleagues to buy some flowers for the little memorial we have in the place that it had happened. I felt that it gave me some strength to face that area again - I have to walk past it almost every day. It also gave me some peace, knowing that he is in a better place and people do care. I hope his family is getting support too and that God will look after his family in this time. I'm glad that some of colleagues were by him before his last breath, giving him comfort and peace in the spiritual sense.

I accidentally deleted the photos of the flowers I got, so here is the other one that I bought to remind myself and others that there is alway HOPE. And perhaps more than ever, we need God's love and His reign over us.  A song that I am listening to is "Lord won't You reign" by Journey of 7 (http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/journeyof7). Hopefully it can help everyone during this time.

King of kings and Lord of lords

The name above all names

Ever lasting word of God

The author of my life

Jesus, you're everything I'm not

And I need your goodness in my life

So Lord won't You reign

Reign over us

Take hold of us

Bring me to Your side

So Lord won't You reign

Reign over us

Fill this heart of mine

And give it all to You

Reign over us

Son of man and Son of God

The Shepherd of my soul

Take away all my burdens 

And nail  them on the cross

Jesus, you're everything I'm not

And I need your goodness in my life

Heaven and earth will pass away

But Your love will never ever fade

Deep down in my heart

I know there is nothing good

So help me put my trust in You

Miscarriage, Peace and God

Ok so it's 12.55am on a Sunday and I should be sleeping but here I am typing on my iPhone about miscarriage. Why? Because I just found out a few days ago that I was going to miscarry. At the time I thought I already had.. But that was just the beginning.. Now I'm truly feeling the discomfort of it and my sleep is suffering because of it. And what better way to let out all my thoughts and feelings but to blog it and help me through this grieving process?

These few days or should I say this week has felt so long. I found out I was pregnant.. I tested myself 4 times just to be sure (yes I am like that!) and had planned to wait one week to test again. But things changed and my body was doing stuff that it wasn't supposed to. I was going to leave it but now am glad I went to see a doc.

Advice number 1: if you are pregnant, think you are and something happens and you're not sure about, go see a doctor just to be sure.

Because I went to see a doctor I had some blood tests done and that's when I received the phone call on Friday afternoon. After I hung up, I just stood there and thought "now what do I do with this information". My brain/conscience said "don't ask God why because you will start blaming him". Ok. So I texted my husband to break the news and burst into tears. I was still at work at the time, quickly told one of my close friends and my colleague came back and found out what happened. I then let a few other people know.

Advice number 2: even if you are at the planning stage, it's good to let at least one other person know. I'm glad that I have such a supportive group of colleagues and brothers and sisters from church that I can talk to. It makes it a lot easier when you do have to go through a situation like this. I know the normal advice is not to tell people until after your first trimester but if you are like me and like support from people, it's a good thing that people know so you don't suddenly spring something like this on people especially when they notice you are sad .. Or at least tell one person who you can talk to.

So in all of this, the one thing I am very thankful of is my support group.. Whether they like it or not :) . Being able to share this while it's still painful and tears still come out has given me peace. I am blessed with a strong a diverse group of supporters who have helped me in different ways. I myself tried to keep things positive and light hearted when I broke the news and have had some very funny responses back and you can't help but laugh. Some have just sat there and listened. Some have shared their experiences from their friends. Some gave bits and pieces of advice. And I managed to get sooo many hugs yesterday!! I appreciate it's hard for others to understand and know how to respond but I know everyone is doing the best they can too.

When I went home that night, I finally did one of the things I had set out to do after Hillsong. Read the Bible. I picked up one of the many Bibles my dad gave me, and in it was Bible Study courses. When I looked at the marriage one, there was one on miscarriage. There was a basic course and an advance one. I chose the basic one. The first part was looking at Job and the topic was "when life falls apart". To be honest, I wasn't really in the mood so I probably didn't take much in but what it did was it gave me peace. Also because I wasn't actually trying to look for an answer but just searching for comfort and peace and I got that. That doesn't mean that I stopped crying but I knew that God was with me.

I was supposed to work yesterday (Saturday) too and was struggling a lot because I knew they needed me. But it was also a brother's baptism and our usual choir practice. People might not understand but that is something that is really important to me and is a part of me. So I finally got the courage to text my colleague that I really wasn't feeling well and couldn't work. I instantly felt a relief. It's not that I don't want to work either but I just really wasn't feeling up for it. In the end I could go to choir and my brother's baptism. I was still sad but when I was there, I felt this peace and comfort inside of me that I can't really explain. I of course started crying because I was happy but others probably thought I was still grieving.

Now what I have been crying about wasn't because I'm not pregnant as some people would think, but I was upset because of a loss of a "life" (only because it was so early that it probably wasn't an actual fetus yet). When I got the phone call, I was hoping that it would either be a yes, you are pregnant or no you're not. A"it looks like you are going to miscarry" was not what I wanted to hear. It means something else was involved. At least if I wasn't pregnant it just means we can try again next time. As hard as it is, I do understand and believe that God has a plan for us and that's why I'm not upset because it didn't work out. One thing that made it a bit harder was learning to not take things personally when people unintentionally say things that might make it seem like it's my fault. I know people are trying to help so one thing that I have to keep reminding myself is not to get angry and start to think about those comments and then blame God. I already know what would happen of I take that route.

So in all this sadness and physical discomfort and tiredness, and in this short amount of time, I still have so many things to thank God and the people around me for:

1. The people around me, my family and friends listening to me cry and talk about the process and details
2. The peace that He has given me to get through this
3. An understanding husband who can't do much but is there for me (and to help me with the dishes :) )
4. A chance to use this to help others
5. This happened so early in my pregnancy.. Otherwise it could be 10 times worse.. I know this is probably nothing compared with others who have loss their baby further along the track

I still don't have all the answers. I'm not sure if I want or need to know all the answers about miscarriages especially why it happens. I've learnt that it just happens. It might be God, it might not be. But what I can do is keep doing what I can for God. If I keep thinking about the why, I would just go crazy from misery and confusion and might not get an answer.. Or miss the answer because I'm busy being miserable. He is my cornerstone and by trusting in Him I can get peace because He is peace. Finding peace in a situation like this is not easy. I will still grieve. I will still cry- both from sorrow and being touched by the songs, messages and support I receive. It might take days or weeks for me to recover but I know that God is with me every step of the way. Like He has been with everyone in the Bible, my dad and my family.

And now I just have to try to relax! Unfortunately.. Baking is still a bit too much after trying it out to de-stress!
This song has helped me through this time and is a reminder that God is our cornerstone through the storm and that He is Lord, Lord of ALL.