When life doesn't go your way...

*Warning.. may contain details that may disturb*

The situation

So a few weeks ago, we had our 6 week scan and was told that our baby was about a week behind - too small to see a heartbeat. Along with that, I had been spotting (which can be normal) but after having 2 previous miscarriages I wasn't holding much hope. Still.. I was bleeding so it should be ok... So off I went for another blood test. Great news, my hormones had more than doubled so the baby should be fine. Now I just need to wait a few weeks to do another scan. A few days later, I started bleeding. Still, it wasn't constant so the GP said it could be ok. He wanted to do a scan that day but everyone was full so again, I just had to wait for the results of the blood test.

Along came Sunday. All was going well until the afternoon, I suddenly lost a lot of blood and it wouldn't stop. I went home quickly thinking I could get changed, have a rest and continue on with my day. But the bleeding kept going and blood clots kept coming out - massive ones. We went to our local A&E and although they were nice, I was seen quickly, they couldn't help. The nurse saw the amount of blood I was losing and suggested we go to the hospital. So off we went. The Emergency Department was great - again I was seen to quickly before moving up to the Women's Assessment Unit where they could assess me further. They decided to keep me overnight for observation and said that it looks like my body is doing its thing to get rid of what it needs to. Hopefully I won't need to do the procedure to take out the remaining tissues.

How I feel

Emotionally, miscarriages can be hard. I had my cries in private and public. Physically, this time because I was already 8 weeks, it was really tiring too. I was lucky that I wasn't in pain but it just felt like giving birth all over again - only not as painful. By the time I was explaining my symptoms for the 4th time, I was so calm and told the doctors I already expected a miscarriage. She even commented that she was so surprised at how calm I was. I just said to her I know all the facts, there's nothing I can do or could have done to prevent it. I was just tired and wanted the bleeding and blood clots to stop.

Spiritually, it was a testing time. I didn't blame God for this but there was a time when I just felt like "I don't want this anymore. I know I will come out on the other side but I'm just tired". Just a week ago, we found out that one of our dogs had Melanoma and thankfully we changed groomers and they picked it up. I said to God that I know it's a blessing and remembering my favourite verse about being still and know that He is God... but I just didn't want it. I just want a normal life where I would have no problems getting pregnant - just have my 3 kids, have a  job that I love and home to live in. I would just continue to do what I need to do at church. All the other stuff, finance or whatever, we will make it work.

A lot of the times, people always ask "How do you know God is here?" Why do you still believe in God after all this? My answer would be that I know that He is here because in times when I should be panicking (like at the hospital) He's allowed Freeman and I to be calm. We have peace that whatever happens will happen and we just need to be in our best frame of mind to handle it. We don't always get the answer we want but He is here because even though we have lost another baby, we know that we will survive this. Our life is more than whether or not we will have more kids in the future. Miraculously, today Annabel decided to play with my Bible and this fell out.

The thanks.


God has given what I need. Without the people in my life, I wouldn't be able to get through this. I am grateful that I have a great support network.

I'm thankful that my family is so accepting of this even though they might not know how they can help but they were there to look after Annabel and our dogs while we were at the hospital. I'm thankful that they didn't judge (as I know many other have to go through) and was just there to help us.

My colleagues and manager for being so understanding - for the second miscarriage I was feeling bad that I was sad and felt like I shouldn't feel that way - because I've been told by others that "at least it wasn't further along like theirs so I'm lucky". When I told my manager that her response was "No, it doesn't matter how far along you were. It's still a loss of a life and you can grieve how you want to".

For Freeman's manager and allowing him time off to be with me.

I'm also grateful that Annabel has been so great throughout this. She probably doesn't full understand what's happening but she would always ask me if I'm ok and following that she would say "Let's hope the baby is ok too". We are really happy that not only God has given us a cute child but one who's got strong empathy and that's something that we can't teach. I was so happy to be able to see her the next day at the hospital.

Last but not least, I definitely wouldn't have done this without Freeman. Although he probably feels like he can't do much except watch me be in discomfort while the doctors did what they needed to do, the non - judgmental support and running around after me, cooking for me and looking after Annabel has helped me so much.

What next?

I don't know. Is this God's way of telling me something? Maybe. I know this year I have prayed about getting "rest" but with my personality, as soon as I have "spare time" or energy I fill it up with something else. Maybe this year is my year of rest.

Or maybe like this song.. when your world feels like it's falling apart and answers seem so far away, I just need to know I'm not alone and need to just be held.


And if you are going through a miscarriage, know that you are not alone. Ask for help if you need to. Find a group of supportive friends or get counselling to help you through this. It is not your fault. Statistics say 1 in 4 pregnancies end up in a miscarriage - many that we don't know about. Going by my stats, my rate is a lot higher with 1 in 4 pregnancies that was healthy (3/4 was a miscarriage). So don't give up!

New year.. More Faith, Hope and Love

The end of the year is always a time to reflect. Looking back it has already been 2.5 years since I started this blog. I always talk about being so blessed all time but I don't think it's because I'm lucky, it's because I have a powerful guide, protector and mighty God behind me. 

What have I learnt in 2014?

Stay faithful, hopeful and loving. Faith is my favourite (and sometimes the hardest to have)  because I feel it drives us so much in our lives and affects our attitude in life. It doesn't matter if you don't believe in God but if you have faith you will stay hopeful and you will show love. We've seen so much hatred in this world because someone has lost faith in something which has caused them to see no hope and therefore show no love to people... And then people end up getting hurt. 

One of my favourite coffee places (Coffee Lab) recently posted this up and I think it is really nice and true:

"Faith makes all things possible

Hope makes all things work

Love makes all things beautiful".

This year I participated in a coffee secret santa which runs exactly on this. With faith you trust that this idea would work and hence the organisers putting in hours of work to make it happen, hope that you will receive coffee from someone else and so you will do the same, and love so you will get them the best coffee you can get (and maybe more).  It was an interesting experience and I've never seen so much excitement and positivity from any group. That's how we should be especially as Christians to make a positive impact.

Annabel reminds me everyday to have a kid-like appreciation to life. She claps every time she does something well, for herself. Sometimes we do need a bit of self encouragement too or we get beat down and think we aren't capable to do things. She gets excited at the tiniest things and laughs at the simplest things like our dogs chasing each other or their tail. As we grow up we lose this appreciation and start to become bitter and cynical.

What has happened in 2014?

A LOT. My grandma passed away. Annabel turned 1. I got a new job that is part time and close to home. I helped a friend deliver her baby. I got to go Christchurch and Melbourne. Annabel learning to crawl, stand and now walking confidently. She can also feed herself which makes things messy but fun. She is getting her own personality - a very determined, cheeky, outgoing (most of the time) little girl. And then there are also the times when she is naughty and is selective about what she wants. Starting my Certificate in Christian Studies and getting a really good grade in my first theological paper!!

We really thank God everyday for giving us a solution that was better than we had thought. Both of us were able to go part time so she gets us full time. The biggest challenge for us was to negotiate how we would parent her and the differences were a lot more than what I had thought! However, we have worked through that... So here's to the next year of challenges as she hits "terrific/terrible twos!!"

What will I do in 2015?

Same answer as usual. I don't know. I feel at peace with this "certain uncertainty" (quoted from Pastor Steve Furtick... I think!) because it makes things more interesting but mainly because it allows God to give me the best in my life. I know as a career counsellor there is definitely no certainty in any job so what we should work towards is how we will manage this change when it hits us. Just like our work situation, I couldn't have asked/dreamed of a better workplace, flexibility and being able to go home and it's still daylight is amazing.

There are a few things I will continue to do: I still hope I can be an inspiration to people, help those in need in particular spiritual/emotional needs, be a great mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, colleague, servant of God.

There are apparently a few runs I'm supposed to participate in as well... So watch this space! Haha

Here's to another exciting year!! 🎉🎉🎉

Christchurch - a city of resilience

Our latest trip was going down to Christchurch for 1.5 days with my sister and brother in law. As with any trip, each experience has been amazing and left us with different feelings.

We often see news stories on Christchurch and the people who live there and I guess after 2+ years, we sort of got used to it.  Slow recovery, lack of engineers or people willing to move there, housing shortages, insurance battles, government battles, vandalism and the list goes on. It was only until we got there that we really felt what it was like.

The CBD was literally dead. Cafés and restaurants were open to the few tourists who were around.. And random parts of the CBD would have more signs of life like the Re-start mall. All you could see are damaged buildings, holes, rubble, fences and abandoned shops that still had stock or offices with their gear left behind. It was very heartbreaking to walk around and see this. The suburbs are apparently even worse with empty homes that were once filled with families.

However, it was encouraging to see that amongst all this, the people of Christchurch are trying to bring life back to the garden city. There is amazing artwork on the buildings, small interactive areas such as the sound mat where you can play your own music and it gets blasted on massive speakers, colour is everywhere, and there is a group called the Plant Gang (https://m.facebook.com/plantgang?_rdr) who go around empty sites and plant to make the city cleaner and more attractive.

Despite everything they have gone through, the people of Christchurch have found ways to bring life back, which for most of us will take for granted. It feels like the government has forgotten them but I think that there is still hope for Christchurch because it's not just the buildings and physical structures that make a city a city but it's the people who make a city a city and most importantly, HOME. Huge RESPECT for those living in Christchurch!

Christchurch is a garden city, a city of resilience, creativity, survival and hope. I pray that this spirit of community will continue to help them with whatever battles they have to face next. 

(Photos courtesy of my husband.. And me)

A sad time..

So this blog is beginning to look like a pretty sad one and that my life is full of sad things around me. I still believe that God is looking after me and others despite what has happened.

Yesterday, a student fell from the top level of the building where I work. Unfortunately a lot of students were witnesses to this tragedy as it was inside the building and I saw the aftermath (I really thank God that my plans had somehow changed so I actually missed seeing the fall - if I saw it, I think I would be in an even worse state). My first thoughts were - is it a student that I've seen? Did I miss something and could have helped him? Turns out it was a student I know but not too well. The sadness hit me almost immediately. I was shaking but had to see my second student who seemed indifferent to what had happened. Two weeks ago, a non-student hung himself in one of our gardens. Yesterday was his memorial service. Last week, I saw a girl crying and I thought she was breaking up with her boyfriend until she shouted "I can't get a B, I need to get an A". My regret was I didn't stop to comfort her.

I feel sad that there is so much emphasis on getting a tertiary education and don't get me wrong, I believe that going to study is really important. Lately there have been so many stories about students not being able to get jobs and the competition between students is incredible. They panic each other and more and more I have to do damage control. The flip side is that students then end up with so much pressure that it might only take one bad exam to tip them over the edge. We will never know what made these students choose to do what they did. I hope that we don't have a trend that will continue. I hope that students who are under pressure and stress seek help. That's the best advice I can give. No matter how hard things seem and it feels like things can't change - go talk to someone, pray, see a counsellor, anything. Your education is important but it's not the end of the world if things don't go the way as planned. Many successful people have failed in life and that's what makes them stronger and successful. But definitely seeking help, as hard as it may be, is so important. I pray that students who are in need can get the help and support that they need.

I will never look at that area and students studying before their exams the same again. My greatest fear in my job has always been - will I miss someone, could have helped them so that they don't end their life in tragedy? And who will be next?

Today was a nice one. I went out with some colleagues to buy some flowers for the little memorial we have in the place that it had happened. I felt that it gave me some strength to face that area again - I have to walk past it almost every day. It also gave me some peace, knowing that he is in a better place and people do care. I hope his family is getting support too and that God will look after his family in this time. I'm glad that some of colleagues were by him before his last breath, giving him comfort and peace in the spiritual sense.

I accidentally deleted the photos of the flowers I got, so here is the other one that I bought to remind myself and others that there is alway HOPE. And perhaps more than ever, we need God's love and His reign over us.  A song that I am listening to is "Lord won't You reign" by Journey of 7 (http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/journeyof7). Hopefully it can help everyone during this time.

King of kings and Lord of lords

The name above all names

Ever lasting word of God

The author of my life

Jesus, you're everything I'm not

And I need your goodness in my life

So Lord won't You reign

Reign over us

Take hold of us

Bring me to Your side

So Lord won't You reign

Reign over us

Fill this heart of mine

And give it all to You

Reign over us

Son of man and Son of God

The Shepherd of my soul

Take away all my burdens 

And nail  them on the cross

Jesus, you're everything I'm not

And I need your goodness in my life

Heaven and earth will pass away

But Your love will never ever fade

Deep down in my heart

I know there is nothing good

So help me put my trust in You