The situation
So a few weeks ago, we had our 6 week scan and was told that our baby was about a week behind - too small to see a heartbeat. Along with that, I had been spotting (which can be normal) but after having 2 previous miscarriages I wasn't holding much hope. Still.. I was bleeding so it should be ok... So off I went for another blood test. Great news, my hormones had more than doubled so the baby should be fine. Now I just need to wait a few weeks to do another scan. A few days later, I started bleeding. Still, it wasn't constant so the GP said it could be ok. He wanted to do a scan that day but everyone was full so again, I just had to wait for the results of the blood test.
Along came Sunday. All was going well until the afternoon, I suddenly lost a lot of blood and it wouldn't stop. I went home quickly thinking I could get changed, have a rest and continue on with my day. But the bleeding kept going and blood clots kept coming out - massive ones. We went to our local A&E and although they were nice, I was seen quickly, they couldn't help. The nurse saw the amount of blood I was losing and suggested we go to the hospital. So off we went. The Emergency Department was great - again I was seen to quickly before moving up to the Women's Assessment Unit where they could assess me further. They decided to keep me overnight for observation and said that it looks like my body is doing its thing to get rid of what it needs to. Hopefully I won't need to do the procedure to take out the remaining tissues.
How I feel
Emotionally, miscarriages can be hard. I had my cries in private and public. Physically, this time because I was already 8 weeks, it was really tiring too. I was lucky that I wasn't in pain but it just felt like giving birth all over again - only not as painful. By the time I was explaining my symptoms for the 4th time, I was so calm and told the doctors I already expected a miscarriage. She even commented that she was so surprised at how calm I was. I just said to her I know all the facts, there's nothing I can do or could have done to prevent it. I was just tired and wanted the bleeding and blood clots to stop.
Spiritually, it was a testing time. I didn't blame God for this but there was a time when I just felt like "I don't want this anymore. I know I will come out on the other side but I'm just tired". Just a week ago, we found out that one of our dogs had Melanoma and thankfully we changed groomers and they picked it up. I said to God that I know it's a blessing and remembering my favourite verse about being still and know that He is God... but I just didn't want it. I just want a normal life where I would have no problems getting pregnant - just have my 3 kids, have a job that I love and home to live in. I would just continue to do what I need to do at church. All the other stuff, finance or whatever, we will make it work.
A lot of the times, people always ask "How do you know God is here?" Why do you still believe in God after all this? My answer would be that I know that He is here because in times when I should be panicking (like at the hospital) He's allowed Freeman and I to be calm. We have peace that whatever happens will happen and we just need to be in our best frame of mind to handle it. We don't always get the answer we want but He is here because even though we have lost another baby, we know that we will survive this. Our life is more than whether or not we will have more kids in the future. Miraculously, today Annabel decided to play with my Bible and this fell out.
The thanks.
God has given what I need. Without the people in my life, I wouldn't be able to get through this. I am grateful that I have a great support network.
I'm thankful that my family is so accepting of this even though they might not know how they can help but they were there to look after Annabel and our dogs while we were at the hospital. I'm thankful that they didn't judge (as I know many other have to go through) and was just there to help us.
My colleagues and manager for being so understanding - for the second miscarriage I was feeling bad that I was sad and felt like I shouldn't feel that way - because I've been told by others that "at least it wasn't further along like theirs so I'm lucky". When I told my manager that her response was "No, it doesn't matter how far along you were. It's still a loss of a life and you can grieve how you want to".
For Freeman's manager and allowing him time off to be with me.
I'm also grateful that Annabel has been so great throughout this. She probably doesn't full understand what's happening but she would always ask me if I'm ok and following that she would say "Let's hope the baby is ok too". We are really happy that not only God has given us a cute child but one who's got strong empathy and that's something that we can't teach. I was so happy to be able to see her the next day at the hospital.
Last but not least, I definitely wouldn't have done this without Freeman. Although he probably feels like he can't do much except watch me be in discomfort while the doctors did what they needed to do, the non - judgmental support and running around after me, cooking for me and looking after Annabel has helped me so much.
What next?
I don't know. Is this God's way of telling me something? Maybe. I know this year I have prayed about getting "rest" but with my personality, as soon as I have "spare time" or energy I fill it up with something else. Maybe this year is my year of rest.
Or maybe like this song.. when your world feels like it's falling apart and answers seem so far away, I just need to know I'm not alone and need to just be held.
And if you are going through a miscarriage, know that you are not alone. Ask for help if you need to. Find a group of supportive friends or get counselling to help you through this. It is not your fault. Statistics say 1 in 4 pregnancies end up in a miscarriage - many that we don't know about. Going by my stats, my rate is a lot higher with 1 in 4 pregnancies that was healthy (3/4 was a miscarriage). So don't give up!
