Trying to run..

But you can't outrun God. I just came back from a meeting and what we talked about has made me think a lot.

Serving is a privilege. I've heard it many times before. Worship is about your relationship with God. I've heard that many times before too. But why do people, including myself move from "I get to worship/serve God"...to "I've got to worship/serve God"? (from Israel Houghton, Hillsong 2012) "I need to rest from church, from my serving, I have done enough".

I think it is because we forget our purpose on Earth. Our mission as Christians and the standards God has set for us. Us humans love to compromise and I am one of them. "Maybe I can do this tomorrow".. "Maybe they won't notice"... "If I do this, then it makes up for it". And of course we compromise our relationship with God too. "If I serve you, can you bless me?"

What really inspires me about the Hillsong Church, speakers at conferences is their passion for God. Their willingness to submit to God. Not just singing songs like "I surrender all" and feeling justified and "Christianly" (Joyce Meyer, Hillsong Conference 2012) but actually meaning it.

So it's not like Christians can't rest, but I do believe that God will tell you when to rest. That is part of the submission and surrendering to God. And what's most important is that serving is a privilege not a right. Praying is a privilege, not a right. Worshipping is a privilege, not a right. So why do we not take our serving at church seriously? That doesn't mean you have to be perfect all the time. But it is about our heart. I've learnt that lesson recently. Again, I was never demotivated or lost my passion at church but something wasn't right. Tonight, after our discussion, I reflected and remembered the story of Jonah. He knew what he was supposed to do, just like I knew what I was supposed to do, but we both chose not to do it. So what happened next? We both got swallowed up by the big fish/whale. For me, I've been sitting in the fish for a long time. Quite comfortably but I got to the stage where I became unhappy. I thought I had it all - a house, a career, two gorgeous little dogs, an awesome family and church, qualifications but yet I still wanted more. People around me always encourage me to go further in my career but it had never felt right. I've always wanted to go overseas to work for a year so when the opportunity came up, I applied and got through the interview stage. That's when things became real. I had a really bad feeling in my stomach but I continued on the process. In hindsight, I realised the thing I missed most was my church, family and my serving areas in church. I was more fearful of what God was thinking than whether this was a good opportunity or not.

Would  it be good to get away and rest? Yes. But why did it feel so wrong? In addition, why did I not really miss leaving my job - (I did miss my colleagues of course!) but my heart was ready to leave. That experience showed me that my career is not number 1. I knew that of course, but I didn't act it. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy what I'm doing but it's just not the same anymore.

Fast forward two months, I went to Hillsong Conference and I really felt that God used the speakers to tell me what my next steps were. Well, more like how I should change the way I am living my life. So after three years of Hillsong Conferences, countless Parachute Festivals, talks, seminars, Bible studies etc...  it's time to come out of the fish.

I have started my first task - this blog. This is my way of "Mission" as I've never felt too comfortable going out to evangelise but knows that I should be saving souls.

The next thing is "Discipleship" so my husband and I will look into enrolling into a Bible College. This is not to say how great I am, but first of all, how great God is and secondly, to keep me accountable. Otherwise I will always be stuck in the fish. It will be a hard road financially in particular if both of us decide to study - but we have prayed and felt like this is what God wants us to do in order to be better leaders for our youth ministry. So please keep us in your prayers too.

The last few months have taught me that no matter how hard you try to run from God (even if you think you're not), He will always find you - like He did for Jonah. If you try to run from your serving/anointing and God has called you to do it - He will find you or worse off, He will just take  it away from you. I'm not here to judge what people should or shouldn't do - like I said, tonight has again been a reminder for myself too. I need to step up/out and actually do what I'm supposed to do.  So this is my encouragement for all - don't just have a nice warm feeling after a conference or listening to a motivational speaker/speech, all inspired and then come back to reality and continue on living.

Ask God for help and direction. Talk to brothers and sisters who share the same vision as you and use their pearls of wisdom to help you. Otherwise, you will always stuck in a fish thinking.. when will I get out? When I stop swimming in the darkness... How do I get out of this smelly pit that life has thrown me? Like Jonah, once he listened to God's way, not his - he got out.

The beginning.. again

The name. This was taken from my previous blog (I Du too - Du being my last name) that recorded the preparation of my wedding. Now after inspiration from Hillsong Conference and what Joyce Meyer said "don't just date God, marry Him". It would probably sound weird to those who aren't Christians but it really woke me up and thought "Yes - even though I was born into church, things became routine, I knew all the things I should do, but was I excited about the relationship I had with God?" That night, really changed my life again. So here I am saying I Du.. Again. Another thing that really inspired me from the conference was to step out and act on what we say we would.

My story begins with my dad I guess. After the war in Vietnam, he had to leave my mum and sister, with his family on a journey in a wooden boat all the way to New Zealand. During the time of the storms, he knew that he couldn't just say he would commit his life to God and had to mean it. So ever since then, even with all the opportunities presented to him (even though to most people it would have been the best thing to do) he came to New Zealand with a heart for God. He has been preaching the gospel until now and have a passion for saving people.

For me, I've always been at church, served at church, understood what I was supposed to do. I had faith in God. He directed me throughout my whole life and I served in church with my heart. The first time I really decided to commit to God was in high school where I saw a lot people from school go clubbing (they were all a year older than me) and then go to school the next day all tired and miserable. I thought to myself, this isn't what I want for my life and knew there had to be something better. So from then on, I got baptised, took on many leadership roles for our youth ministry and everything was great. I went to university, chose biology as my major as it was the 'closest' to something I would enjoy doing at university (geography wasn't an option as it was not seen as a proper subject to do). I failed miserably and decided I would change instead. From there I ended up studying Geography, Stats and Education. 4.5 years later, I finished and thought now what. After a month of stressing, trying to apply for roles in marketing but realised they all required a marketing degree. I then wished I studied marketing even though I knew it didn't feel right. Afterwards, I remembered that I was supposed to have faith in God. So instead of stressing I prayed. I stopped applying for any role and saw one as a receptionist for a careers centre at university. I applied, interviewed and got the job. After working there, I realised that careers consulting is what I would enjoy doing so I studied towards that. Looking back, I would not have imagined what would be possible. First off, I didn't even know careers consulting existed.

Long story short, my life was still really good after that. I met my husband at church - again something I would never imagine as he was definitely not what I had planned for. However, things changed in the last few months. Things weren't going as smooth. I got really depressed and started crying every second day and again thought..What does God want me to do? I went to church, I still had passion in playing the piano and with our youth group, "I gave my control to Him"... but I was still unhappy... then I found out I wasn't doing enough. And although I gave Him control, the worries I had in my life was not controlled by Him. It was controlled by me - what should I do next, when do I want a baby, where should I work...

So my story and journey continues...