Ok so it's 12.55am on a Sunday and I should be sleeping but here I am typing on my iPhone about miscarriage. Why? Because I just found out a few days ago that I was going to miscarry. At the time I thought I already had.. But that was just the beginning.. Now I'm truly feeling the discomfort of it and my sleep is suffering because of it. And what better way to let out all my thoughts and feelings but to blog it and help me through this grieving process?
These few days or should I say this week has felt so long. I found out I was pregnant.. I tested myself 4 times just to be sure (yes I am like that!) and had planned to wait one week to test again. But things changed and my body was doing stuff that it wasn't supposed to. I was going to leave it but now am glad I went to see a doc.
Advice number 1: if you are pregnant, think you are and something happens and you're not sure about, go see a doctor just to be sure.
Because I went to see a doctor I had some blood tests done and that's when I received the phone call on Friday afternoon. After I hung up, I just stood there and thought "now what do I do with this information". My brain/conscience said "don't ask God why because you will start blaming him". Ok. So I texted my husband to break the news and burst into tears. I was still at work at the time, quickly told one of my close friends and my colleague came back and found out what happened. I then let a few other people know.
Advice number 2: even if you are at the planning stage, it's good to let at least one other person know. I'm glad that I have such a supportive group of colleagues and brothers and sisters from church that I can talk to. It makes it a lot easier when you do have to go through a situation like this. I know the normal advice is not to tell people until after your first trimester but if you are like me and like support from people, it's a good thing that people know so you don't suddenly spring something like this on people especially when they notice you are sad .. Or at least tell one person who you can talk to.
So in all of this, the one thing I am very thankful of is my support group.. Whether they like it or not :) . Being able to share this while it's still painful and tears still come out has given me peace. I am blessed with a strong a diverse group of supporters who have helped me in different ways. I myself tried to keep things positive and light hearted when I broke the news and have had some very funny responses back and you can't help but laugh. Some have just sat there and listened. Some have shared their experiences from their friends. Some gave bits and pieces of advice. And I managed to get sooo many hugs yesterday!! I appreciate it's hard for others to understand and know how to respond but I know everyone is doing the best they can too.
When I went home that night, I finally did one of the things I had set out to do after Hillsong. Read the Bible. I picked up one of the many Bibles my dad gave me, and in it was Bible Study courses. When I looked at the marriage one, there was one on miscarriage. There was a basic course and an advance one. I chose the basic one. The first part was looking at Job and the topic was "when life falls apart". To be honest, I wasn't really in the mood so I probably didn't take much in but what it did was it gave me peace. Also because I wasn't actually trying to look for an answer but just searching for comfort and peace and I got that. That doesn't mean that I stopped crying but I knew that God was with me.
I was supposed to work yesterday (Saturday) too and was struggling a lot because I knew they needed me. But it was also a brother's baptism and our usual choir practice. People might not understand but that is something that is really important to me and is a part of me. So I finally got the courage to text my colleague that I really wasn't feeling well and couldn't work. I instantly felt a relief. It's not that I don't want to work either but I just really wasn't feeling up for it. In the end I could go to choir and my brother's baptism. I was still sad but when I was there, I felt this peace and comfort inside of me that I can't really explain. I of course started crying because I was happy but others probably thought I was still grieving.
Now what I have been crying about wasn't because I'm not pregnant as some people would think, but I was upset because of a loss of a "life" (only because it was so early that it probably wasn't an actual fetus yet). When I got the phone call, I was hoping that it would either be a yes, you are pregnant or no you're not. A"it looks like you are going to miscarry" was not what I wanted to hear. It means something else was involved. At least if I wasn't pregnant it just means we can try again next time. As hard as it is, I do understand and believe that God has a plan for us and that's why I'm not upset because it didn't work out. One thing that made it a bit harder was learning to not take things personally when people unintentionally say things that might make it seem like it's my fault. I know people are trying to help so one thing that I have to keep reminding myself is not to get angry and start to think about those comments and then blame God. I already know what would happen of I take that route.
So in all this sadness and physical discomfort and tiredness, and in this short amount of time, I still have so many things to thank God and the people around me for:
1. The people around me, my family and friends listening to me cry and talk about the process and details
2. The peace that He has given me to get through this
3. An understanding husband who can't do much but is there for me (and to help me with the dishes :) )
4. A chance to use this to help others
5. This happened so early in my pregnancy.. Otherwise it could be 10 times worse.. I know this is probably nothing compared with others who have loss their baby further along the track
I still don't have all the answers. I'm not sure if I want or need to know all the answers about miscarriages especially why it happens. I've learnt that it just happens. It might be God, it might not be. But what I can do is keep doing what I can for God. If I keep thinking about the why, I would just go crazy from misery and confusion and might not get an answer.. Or miss the answer because I'm busy being miserable. He is my cornerstone and by trusting in Him I can get peace because He is peace. Finding peace in a situation like this is not easy. I will still grieve. I will still cry- both from sorrow and being touched by the songs, messages and support I receive. It might take days or weeks for me to recover but I know that God is with me every step of the way. Like He has been with everyone in the Bible, my dad and my family.
And now I just have to try to relax! Unfortunately.. Baking is still a bit too much after trying it out to de-stress!
This song has helped me through this time and is a reminder that God is our cornerstone through the storm and that He is Lord, Lord of ALL.
