Chocolate Berry Tofu "Cheesecake" - Dairy & Gluten free/Vegan

I've always wanted to experiment with different kinds of baking - in particular for people with allergies and easy baking (few ingredients and steps). I always wished that they could enjoy the range of sweets and desserts that we can. After searching for many recipes, I've put off gluten free and dairy free baking just because it would take extra trips to different shops to get the ingredients. Also a lot of the recipes require a lot of ingredients that I don't normally use. Looking at the recipes, I give up as well. My style of baking is a few ingredients and simple method. So when a recipe require 3-4 different nuts, this kind of flour, this oil etc I think that it's too much effort.

Anyway, after months of putting it off and seeing that my colleague can't eat any of the baking I bring in (which I have to thank my colleagues for being my guinea pigs for and might be a good thing for her) I decided to search a bit harder. I found some gluten/dairy free biscuits at Countdown so I've got my base sorted, using coconut oil to replace the usual butter. Since it was first time using coconut oil, I wasn't sure how it would turn out but it was actually perfect. It also adds flavour to the base.

I was debating between rushing to a health food store to get dairy free cream cheese but since I finish work quite late I wasn't keen on the idea. Then I remembered that on the New Zealand MKR, one couple made a tofu cheesecake. After a quick search for the recipe, I got and was relieved there were no dairy/gluten ingredients. Also, there were only 3 major ingredients so it fit the bill perfectly. I also loved the fact that you could throw everything in the blender. So the filling has been taken from that recipe - which can be found here.

I was still a bit skeptical about how it would turn out but after making it, I was surprised at the flavours and consistency of the cheesecake. It was actually delicious even though the presentation wasn't MKR! Long story short, this had prompted me to write this up because it's one of the few recipes that easy, yum and only contains a few ingredients and equipment (I don't like to do a lot of washing!).

Choc Berry Tofu Cheesecake - gluten and dairy free, vegan.

INGREDIENTS

Base

250g Gluten Free Arrowroot biscuits
50ml Coconut oil


Filling

700g Smooth Silken tofu
200g dairy free choc (75% cocoa solids or Whittaker’s dark 60%- 75%
150 - 200ml Maple syrup

Optional ingredients
1tsp lime zest
1tsp vanilla paste
1 pinch sea salt


METHOD

Base

1. Line the bottom of a 23-25cm diameter springform tin with baking paper.

2. In a food processor, process all the base ingredients to a fine crumb.

3. Press the crumb into the bottom of the tin in an even layer, fairly firmly. Pop in the fridge.



Filling (adapted from http://mkrnz.co.nz/recipes/choc-berry-tofu-cheesecake)


1. First use a muslin cloth (or paper towel on a colander) to soak the liquid from the tofu, squeeze as much out as possible

2. Boil water in a small pot, add chocolate in small pieces to a heat proof bowl. Melt choc in bowl that's on top of the bowl.

3. Put tofu in to food processor, whiz till combined.

4. Add melted chocolate while whizzing.

5. Add maple syrup and the optional ingredients.

6. Whiz till smooth.

7. Add the chocolate mix on top and cool in the fridge to chill 15-20 mins or the freezer for 2-4 hours (if you want a cheese cake consistency)


Tips:
- I used the Trade Aid dark chocolate chips
- You could use a bit of gelatine dissolved in water if you want a firmer consistency – that would make it non-vegan
- If you don't have a blender/food processor, you can easily use a whisk and some arm muscle (like what I did)
 - The tofu I used was made for steaming so it was really soft and smooth so was easy to break apart - you can find this in most Asian Supermarkets
- I used golden syrup – but honey or any sweetener would work too. I only used 150ml so do it by taste

When life doesn't go your way...

*Warning.. may contain details that may disturb*

The situation

So a few weeks ago, we had our 6 week scan and was told that our baby was about a week behind - too small to see a heartbeat. Along with that, I had been spotting (which can be normal) but after having 2 previous miscarriages I wasn't holding much hope. Still.. I was bleeding so it should be ok... So off I went for another blood test. Great news, my hormones had more than doubled so the baby should be fine. Now I just need to wait a few weeks to do another scan. A few days later, I started bleeding. Still, it wasn't constant so the GP said it could be ok. He wanted to do a scan that day but everyone was full so again, I just had to wait for the results of the blood test.

Along came Sunday. All was going well until the afternoon, I suddenly lost a lot of blood and it wouldn't stop. I went home quickly thinking I could get changed, have a rest and continue on with my day. But the bleeding kept going and blood clots kept coming out - massive ones. We went to our local A&E and although they were nice, I was seen quickly, they couldn't help. The nurse saw the amount of blood I was losing and suggested we go to the hospital. So off we went. The Emergency Department was great - again I was seen to quickly before moving up to the Women's Assessment Unit where they could assess me further. They decided to keep me overnight for observation and said that it looks like my body is doing its thing to get rid of what it needs to. Hopefully I won't need to do the procedure to take out the remaining tissues.

How I feel

Emotionally, miscarriages can be hard. I had my cries in private and public. Physically, this time because I was already 8 weeks, it was really tiring too. I was lucky that I wasn't in pain but it just felt like giving birth all over again - only not as painful. By the time I was explaining my symptoms for the 4th time, I was so calm and told the doctors I already expected a miscarriage. She even commented that she was so surprised at how calm I was. I just said to her I know all the facts, there's nothing I can do or could have done to prevent it. I was just tired and wanted the bleeding and blood clots to stop.

Spiritually, it was a testing time. I didn't blame God for this but there was a time when I just felt like "I don't want this anymore. I know I will come out on the other side but I'm just tired". Just a week ago, we found out that one of our dogs had Melanoma and thankfully we changed groomers and they picked it up. I said to God that I know it's a blessing and remembering my favourite verse about being still and know that He is God... but I just didn't want it. I just want a normal life where I would have no problems getting pregnant - just have my 3 kids, have a  job that I love and home to live in. I would just continue to do what I need to do at church. All the other stuff, finance or whatever, we will make it work.

A lot of the times, people always ask "How do you know God is here?" Why do you still believe in God after all this? My answer would be that I know that He is here because in times when I should be panicking (like at the hospital) He's allowed Freeman and I to be calm. We have peace that whatever happens will happen and we just need to be in our best frame of mind to handle it. We don't always get the answer we want but He is here because even though we have lost another baby, we know that we will survive this. Our life is more than whether or not we will have more kids in the future. Miraculously, today Annabel decided to play with my Bible and this fell out.

The thanks.


God has given what I need. Without the people in my life, I wouldn't be able to get through this. I am grateful that I have a great support network.

I'm thankful that my family is so accepting of this even though they might not know how they can help but they were there to look after Annabel and our dogs while we were at the hospital. I'm thankful that they didn't judge (as I know many other have to go through) and was just there to help us.

My colleagues and manager for being so understanding - for the second miscarriage I was feeling bad that I was sad and felt like I shouldn't feel that way - because I've been told by others that "at least it wasn't further along like theirs so I'm lucky". When I told my manager that her response was "No, it doesn't matter how far along you were. It's still a loss of a life and you can grieve how you want to".

For Freeman's manager and allowing him time off to be with me.

I'm also grateful that Annabel has been so great throughout this. She probably doesn't full understand what's happening but she would always ask me if I'm ok and following that she would say "Let's hope the baby is ok too". We are really happy that not only God has given us a cute child but one who's got strong empathy and that's something that we can't teach. I was so happy to be able to see her the next day at the hospital.

Last but not least, I definitely wouldn't have done this without Freeman. Although he probably feels like he can't do much except watch me be in discomfort while the doctors did what they needed to do, the non - judgmental support and running around after me, cooking for me and looking after Annabel has helped me so much.

What next?

I don't know. Is this God's way of telling me something? Maybe. I know this year I have prayed about getting "rest" but with my personality, as soon as I have "spare time" or energy I fill it up with something else. Maybe this year is my year of rest.

Or maybe like this song.. when your world feels like it's falling apart and answers seem so far away, I just need to know I'm not alone and need to just be held.


And if you are going through a miscarriage, know that you are not alone. Ask for help if you need to. Find a group of supportive friends or get counselling to help you through this. It is not your fault. Statistics say 1 in 4 pregnancies end up in a miscarriage - many that we don't know about. Going by my stats, my rate is a lot higher with 1 in 4 pregnancies that was healthy (3/4 was a miscarriage). So don't give up!

3rd year parent

Parenting. The terrible twos. The terrific twos. Whatever you want to call it. Has life been easier or harder since Annabel has hit her twos? Am I an expert - no way. Once you think you've mastered and understood something about their growth and development, they throw another curveball at you. Some things, like her communication, eating, general brain development has been great. She is turning out to be a very observant little girl and can pick up skills really quick. Other things like her being hangry, battles before bedtime, testing and going over her boundaries intentionally has been trying times. After all that, she will sleep and have a nightmare and yell out for "Ma Ma"... and she becomes your little baby again.

Daycare has been an interesting experience. The staff and kids there have been great and very supportive. Overall she has improved a lot, becoming more confident and making new friends - loves the songs, dancing and instruments in particular. She doesn't even say bye to me and runs off to her friends. The exception is when dad drops her off. She still manages a cry. The bugs that come with that isn't so great. I've never been so sick in my life - well for a long time anyway. The first few months were horrible with her screaming, being angry when she came home and not leaving us - at all. I was almost considering to take her out from daycare and really regretted it.

Deciding whether to go to four days of work was a struggle too. However, I am thankful that I am able to cut 1 hour off each day to make up for the fourth day. The shorter hours have been great where I can get home faster and leave later. I'm grateful that God has given me a great place to work in and are generally supportive of family needs. My manager once said to me when I had to make a decision about a job, "Don't worry about your job. Do what's right for your family. Your work can replace you but your family can't". I almost burst into tears because I know how true it is. Life is short. Life happens. There's no discrimination when it comes to natural or unnatural disasters and diseases like cancer. I had to be reminded that my purpose here is to prepare for an eternal life.

Anyway, back to parenting. 

I find now the hardest thing to do is to control my temper. I don't know if it's the hot weather or what, but sometimes it's so hard to not get frustrated when you've asked her to sleep and she runs away or to share her toys a million times - and then she just gives you the cheekiest smile and says sorry - but you know she's not. It's also hard to know when she's genuinely made a mistake - like spilling things - or when she's done it on purpose. 

So as they become little human beings, I have to remind myself that we are both human. She's still learning and I'm still learning and ask for God's guidance. I really like this video from Pastor Francis Chan and his wife Lisa as they keep it real. The parenting part is a chapter from their book "You and me forever". The book itself is a marriage guidance book that focuses on getting your relationship right with God. They also have an app where you can download the book with videos and questions for you to complete.

 
Session 6 from You and Me Forever on Vimeo.

There will be days when I'm thankful that I have such a lovely daughter, then there are days that I think I can't make it and one is enough - haha. I guess it's all part of the journey and I really pray for God's grace and help. :)