A sad time..

So this blog is beginning to look like a pretty sad one and that my life is full of sad things around me. I still believe that God is looking after me and others despite what has happened.

Yesterday, a student fell from the top level of the building where I work. Unfortunately a lot of students were witnesses to this tragedy as it was inside the building and I saw the aftermath (I really thank God that my plans had somehow changed so I actually missed seeing the fall - if I saw it, I think I would be in an even worse state). My first thoughts were - is it a student that I've seen? Did I miss something and could have helped him? Turns out it was a student I know but not too well. The sadness hit me almost immediately. I was shaking but had to see my second student who seemed indifferent to what had happened. Two weeks ago, a non-student hung himself in one of our gardens. Yesterday was his memorial service. Last week, I saw a girl crying and I thought she was breaking up with her boyfriend until she shouted "I can't get a B, I need to get an A". My regret was I didn't stop to comfort her.

I feel sad that there is so much emphasis on getting a tertiary education and don't get me wrong, I believe that going to study is really important. Lately there have been so many stories about students not being able to get jobs and the competition between students is incredible. They panic each other and more and more I have to do damage control. The flip side is that students then end up with so much pressure that it might only take one bad exam to tip them over the edge. We will never know what made these students choose to do what they did. I hope that we don't have a trend that will continue. I hope that students who are under pressure and stress seek help. That's the best advice I can give. No matter how hard things seem and it feels like things can't change - go talk to someone, pray, see a counsellor, anything. Your education is important but it's not the end of the world if things don't go the way as planned. Many successful people have failed in life and that's what makes them stronger and successful. But definitely seeking help, as hard as it may be, is so important. I pray that students who are in need can get the help and support that they need.

I will never look at that area and students studying before their exams the same again. My greatest fear in my job has always been - will I miss someone, could have helped them so that they don't end their life in tragedy? And who will be next?

Today was a nice one. I went out with some colleagues to buy some flowers for the little memorial we have in the place that it had happened. I felt that it gave me some strength to face that area again - I have to walk past it almost every day. It also gave me some peace, knowing that he is in a better place and people do care. I hope his family is getting support too and that God will look after his family in this time. I'm glad that some of colleagues were by him before his last breath, giving him comfort and peace in the spiritual sense.

I accidentally deleted the photos of the flowers I got, so here is the other one that I bought to remind myself and others that there is alway HOPE. And perhaps more than ever, we need God's love and His reign over us.  A song that I am listening to is "Lord won't You reign" by Journey of 7 (http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/journeyof7). Hopefully it can help everyone during this time.

King of kings and Lord of lords

The name above all names

Ever lasting word of God

The author of my life

Jesus, you're everything I'm not

And I need your goodness in my life

So Lord won't You reign

Reign over us

Take hold of us

Bring me to Your side

So Lord won't You reign

Reign over us

Fill this heart of mine

And give it all to You

Reign over us

Son of man and Son of God

The Shepherd of my soul

Take away all my burdens 

And nail  them on the cross

Jesus, you're everything I'm not

And I need your goodness in my life

Heaven and earth will pass away

But Your love will never ever fade

Deep down in my heart

I know there is nothing good

So help me put my trust in You

The end of an era..

Well not quite an era..

Today I've finally submitted my Masters research report.. 2 years of study on top of full time work has finished and it felt like a long time coming!
I can't say that I felt really stressed.. although my body has been hinting really badly - migraines every few weeks, loss of appetite, loss of sleep etc but of course I still felt fine.

It's been quite a journey and an interesting one. I really thank God for keeping me sane throughout this time. My memory is bad, but I don't think I've had too many meltdowns. And every time (and I'm not exaggerating) I have to submit an assignment, something has gone wrong. However, I've managed to get through it without getting too crazy.

Tonight, I didn't realise the effects this research project has had on me until I went out to dinner for a friends birthday. After putting so much concentration into one little thing you try to get back into the 'real' world and things don't feel right. I was actually quite confused, the noise was getting to me and I couldn't even co-ordinate using a spoon and fork. Ever since I pressed that submit button, everything after that felt so surreal. And I'm not sure whether it was the stress but I've been quite emotional the last few days. Tonight was no exception. I didn't expect it, but when I found out that a lesbian couple (congrats to them) who we know, is expecting, I was on the brink of tears. I was thinking "why? these people are seen by society as not being able to reproduce but yet they can.." So many "young ones" becoming parents without getting married, my husbands friends are getting pregnant with their third child and they live in China... and here we are trying to do things the right way and it still didn't work. I'm not angry and like I said it's probably just the emotions that has been suppressed because of my masters - when you tell yourself to power through, no time to think.. but it is a lot harder than I thought it would be... Perhaps it's not the right time... My husband probably picked it up too so he quietly comforted me and said "it's ok, we did say one year"...

I pray that now that I don't have my masters consuming my life I won't feel lost and try to fill my life up with other things...

And as usual music is a strong influence in my life. This song has been on my mind for the past few days... maybe God is saying something to me?

My Grandma, a fighter..

A TRUE INSPIRATION.

My grandma is someone I really admire. She has been a huge part of my life since I was a baby. She took us to kindy, made the best curry ever - and even though it was waaayy to spicy I would still try to eat it, loved and cared for us. She is always very independent, lived on her own until a year and a half ago she had to go to a private hospital and resthome.

Her faith and love for God is so something that I hope I can follow. She had lived through the Japanese/China war - saved by hiding under a mosquito net, survived the Vietnam war and boat trip that she took with my dad, uncles and aunty from Vietnam to Indonesia and then to New Zealand. She apparently had what we would deem "an abusive relationship" but she loved my grandfather regardless. Even till now, she still reads the Bible and spends time with God in the rest home and comes to church every Sunday. Her faith in God is inspired by her favourite verse:

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right path for his name’s sake. Even though I walk  through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

This is a popular verse for comfort but I can see from grandma that she truly understands this. That's probably why to this day, even with her recent stroke that has left her with temporary paralysis on her right side, she still insists on feeding herself. She has trouble swallowing but she still tries to eat as much as she can. Her speech is slurred and she has trouble speaking out but she still tries to talk to us - and then she just smiles when she realises that she's tried to say the same thing three times and we don't understand.

I love my grandma and I pray that I can be like her, continue to have such strong faith in God even till I'm 95 and beyond (if I can live that long!).. I hope that she does recover soon and I know that God is looking after her and my family in this tough time.

This Sunday, our church choir sang a song, an oldie but a goodie, which really touched me. It's in Mandarin but it pretty much says that Jesus will give you true peace even though there are troubles in this world. I guess the question is, are we willing to accept this or do we want to get angry at God?

It might seem like my past two blogs have been about sad things... just so happen that these two events happened so close together.. plus I'm a bit slack at updating my blog! The next one I write will be about Live below the line.. so keep your eyes out for this one :)

Miscarriage, Peace and God

Ok so it's 12.55am on a Sunday and I should be sleeping but here I am typing on my iPhone about miscarriage. Why? Because I just found out a few days ago that I was going to miscarry. At the time I thought I already had.. But that was just the beginning.. Now I'm truly feeling the discomfort of it and my sleep is suffering because of it. And what better way to let out all my thoughts and feelings but to blog it and help me through this grieving process?

These few days or should I say this week has felt so long. I found out I was pregnant.. I tested myself 4 times just to be sure (yes I am like that!) and had planned to wait one week to test again. But things changed and my body was doing stuff that it wasn't supposed to. I was going to leave it but now am glad I went to see a doc.

Advice number 1: if you are pregnant, think you are and something happens and you're not sure about, go see a doctor just to be sure.

Because I went to see a doctor I had some blood tests done and that's when I received the phone call on Friday afternoon. After I hung up, I just stood there and thought "now what do I do with this information". My brain/conscience said "don't ask God why because you will start blaming him". Ok. So I texted my husband to break the news and burst into tears. I was still at work at the time, quickly told one of my close friends and my colleague came back and found out what happened. I then let a few other people know.

Advice number 2: even if you are at the planning stage, it's good to let at least one other person know. I'm glad that I have such a supportive group of colleagues and brothers and sisters from church that I can talk to. It makes it a lot easier when you do have to go through a situation like this. I know the normal advice is not to tell people until after your first trimester but if you are like me and like support from people, it's a good thing that people know so you don't suddenly spring something like this on people especially when they notice you are sad .. Or at least tell one person who you can talk to.

So in all of this, the one thing I am very thankful of is my support group.. Whether they like it or not :) . Being able to share this while it's still painful and tears still come out has given me peace. I am blessed with a strong a diverse group of supporters who have helped me in different ways. I myself tried to keep things positive and light hearted when I broke the news and have had some very funny responses back and you can't help but laugh. Some have just sat there and listened. Some have shared their experiences from their friends. Some gave bits and pieces of advice. And I managed to get sooo many hugs yesterday!! I appreciate it's hard for others to understand and know how to respond but I know everyone is doing the best they can too.

When I went home that night, I finally did one of the things I had set out to do after Hillsong. Read the Bible. I picked up one of the many Bibles my dad gave me, and in it was Bible Study courses. When I looked at the marriage one, there was one on miscarriage. There was a basic course and an advance one. I chose the basic one. The first part was looking at Job and the topic was "when life falls apart". To be honest, I wasn't really in the mood so I probably didn't take much in but what it did was it gave me peace. Also because I wasn't actually trying to look for an answer but just searching for comfort and peace and I got that. That doesn't mean that I stopped crying but I knew that God was with me.

I was supposed to work yesterday (Saturday) too and was struggling a lot because I knew they needed me. But it was also a brother's baptism and our usual choir practice. People might not understand but that is something that is really important to me and is a part of me. So I finally got the courage to text my colleague that I really wasn't feeling well and couldn't work. I instantly felt a relief. It's not that I don't want to work either but I just really wasn't feeling up for it. In the end I could go to choir and my brother's baptism. I was still sad but when I was there, I felt this peace and comfort inside of me that I can't really explain. I of course started crying because I was happy but others probably thought I was still grieving.

Now what I have been crying about wasn't because I'm not pregnant as some people would think, but I was upset because of a loss of a "life" (only because it was so early that it probably wasn't an actual fetus yet). When I got the phone call, I was hoping that it would either be a yes, you are pregnant or no you're not. A"it looks like you are going to miscarry" was not what I wanted to hear. It means something else was involved. At least if I wasn't pregnant it just means we can try again next time. As hard as it is, I do understand and believe that God has a plan for us and that's why I'm not upset because it didn't work out. One thing that made it a bit harder was learning to not take things personally when people unintentionally say things that might make it seem like it's my fault. I know people are trying to help so one thing that I have to keep reminding myself is not to get angry and start to think about those comments and then blame God. I already know what would happen of I take that route.

So in all this sadness and physical discomfort and tiredness, and in this short amount of time, I still have so many things to thank God and the people around me for:

1. The people around me, my family and friends listening to me cry and talk about the process and details
2. The peace that He has given me to get through this
3. An understanding husband who can't do much but is there for me (and to help me with the dishes :) )
4. A chance to use this to help others
5. This happened so early in my pregnancy.. Otherwise it could be 10 times worse.. I know this is probably nothing compared with others who have loss their baby further along the track

I still don't have all the answers. I'm not sure if I want or need to know all the answers about miscarriages especially why it happens. I've learnt that it just happens. It might be God, it might not be. But what I can do is keep doing what I can for God. If I keep thinking about the why, I would just go crazy from misery and confusion and might not get an answer.. Or miss the answer because I'm busy being miserable. He is my cornerstone and by trusting in Him I can get peace because He is peace. Finding peace in a situation like this is not easy. I will still grieve. I will still cry- both from sorrow and being touched by the songs, messages and support I receive. It might take days or weeks for me to recover but I know that God is with me every step of the way. Like He has been with everyone in the Bible, my dad and my family.

And now I just have to try to relax! Unfortunately.. Baking is still a bit too much after trying it out to de-stress!
This song has helped me through this time and is a reminder that God is our cornerstone through the storm and that He is Lord, Lord of ALL.

Trying to run..

But you can't outrun God. I just came back from a meeting and what we talked about has made me think a lot.

Serving is a privilege. I've heard it many times before. Worship is about your relationship with God. I've heard that many times before too. But why do people, including myself move from "I get to worship/serve God"...to "I've got to worship/serve God"? (from Israel Houghton, Hillsong 2012) "I need to rest from church, from my serving, I have done enough".

I think it is because we forget our purpose on Earth. Our mission as Christians and the standards God has set for us. Us humans love to compromise and I am one of them. "Maybe I can do this tomorrow".. "Maybe they won't notice"... "If I do this, then it makes up for it". And of course we compromise our relationship with God too. "If I serve you, can you bless me?"

What really inspires me about the Hillsong Church, speakers at conferences is their passion for God. Their willingness to submit to God. Not just singing songs like "I surrender all" and feeling justified and "Christianly" (Joyce Meyer, Hillsong Conference 2012) but actually meaning it.

So it's not like Christians can't rest, but I do believe that God will tell you when to rest. That is part of the submission and surrendering to God. And what's most important is that serving is a privilege not a right. Praying is a privilege, not a right. Worshipping is a privilege, not a right. So why do we not take our serving at church seriously? That doesn't mean you have to be perfect all the time. But it is about our heart. I've learnt that lesson recently. Again, I was never demotivated or lost my passion at church but something wasn't right. Tonight, after our discussion, I reflected and remembered the story of Jonah. He knew what he was supposed to do, just like I knew what I was supposed to do, but we both chose not to do it. So what happened next? We both got swallowed up by the big fish/whale. For me, I've been sitting in the fish for a long time. Quite comfortably but I got to the stage where I became unhappy. I thought I had it all - a house, a career, two gorgeous little dogs, an awesome family and church, qualifications but yet I still wanted more. People around me always encourage me to go further in my career but it had never felt right. I've always wanted to go overseas to work for a year so when the opportunity came up, I applied and got through the interview stage. That's when things became real. I had a really bad feeling in my stomach but I continued on the process. In hindsight, I realised the thing I missed most was my church, family and my serving areas in church. I was more fearful of what God was thinking than whether this was a good opportunity or not.

Would  it be good to get away and rest? Yes. But why did it feel so wrong? In addition, why did I not really miss leaving my job - (I did miss my colleagues of course!) but my heart was ready to leave. That experience showed me that my career is not number 1. I knew that of course, but I didn't act it. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy what I'm doing but it's just not the same anymore.

Fast forward two months, I went to Hillsong Conference and I really felt that God used the speakers to tell me what my next steps were. Well, more like how I should change the way I am living my life. So after three years of Hillsong Conferences, countless Parachute Festivals, talks, seminars, Bible studies etc...  it's time to come out of the fish.

I have started my first task - this blog. This is my way of "Mission" as I've never felt too comfortable going out to evangelise but knows that I should be saving souls.

The next thing is "Discipleship" so my husband and I will look into enrolling into a Bible College. This is not to say how great I am, but first of all, how great God is and secondly, to keep me accountable. Otherwise I will always be stuck in the fish. It will be a hard road financially in particular if both of us decide to study - but we have prayed and felt like this is what God wants us to do in order to be better leaders for our youth ministry. So please keep us in your prayers too.

The last few months have taught me that no matter how hard you try to run from God (even if you think you're not), He will always find you - like He did for Jonah. If you try to run from your serving/anointing and God has called you to do it - He will find you or worse off, He will just take  it away from you. I'm not here to judge what people should or shouldn't do - like I said, tonight has again been a reminder for myself too. I need to step up/out and actually do what I'm supposed to do.  So this is my encouragement for all - don't just have a nice warm feeling after a conference or listening to a motivational speaker/speech, all inspired and then come back to reality and continue on living.

Ask God for help and direction. Talk to brothers and sisters who share the same vision as you and use their pearls of wisdom to help you. Otherwise, you will always stuck in a fish thinking.. when will I get out? When I stop swimming in the darkness... How do I get out of this smelly pit that life has thrown me? Like Jonah, once he listened to God's way, not his - he got out.

The beginning.. again

The name. This was taken from my previous blog (I Du too - Du being my last name) that recorded the preparation of my wedding. Now after inspiration from Hillsong Conference and what Joyce Meyer said "don't just date God, marry Him". It would probably sound weird to those who aren't Christians but it really woke me up and thought "Yes - even though I was born into church, things became routine, I knew all the things I should do, but was I excited about the relationship I had with God?" That night, really changed my life again. So here I am saying I Du.. Again. Another thing that really inspired me from the conference was to step out and act on what we say we would.

My story begins with my dad I guess. After the war in Vietnam, he had to leave my mum and sister, with his family on a journey in a wooden boat all the way to New Zealand. During the time of the storms, he knew that he couldn't just say he would commit his life to God and had to mean it. So ever since then, even with all the opportunities presented to him (even though to most people it would have been the best thing to do) he came to New Zealand with a heart for God. He has been preaching the gospel until now and have a passion for saving people.

For me, I've always been at church, served at church, understood what I was supposed to do. I had faith in God. He directed me throughout my whole life and I served in church with my heart. The first time I really decided to commit to God was in high school where I saw a lot people from school go clubbing (they were all a year older than me) and then go to school the next day all tired and miserable. I thought to myself, this isn't what I want for my life and knew there had to be something better. So from then on, I got baptised, took on many leadership roles for our youth ministry and everything was great. I went to university, chose biology as my major as it was the 'closest' to something I would enjoy doing at university (geography wasn't an option as it was not seen as a proper subject to do). I failed miserably and decided I would change instead. From there I ended up studying Geography, Stats and Education. 4.5 years later, I finished and thought now what. After a month of stressing, trying to apply for roles in marketing but realised they all required a marketing degree. I then wished I studied marketing even though I knew it didn't feel right. Afterwards, I remembered that I was supposed to have faith in God. So instead of stressing I prayed. I stopped applying for any role and saw one as a receptionist for a careers centre at university. I applied, interviewed and got the job. After working there, I realised that careers consulting is what I would enjoy doing so I studied towards that. Looking back, I would not have imagined what would be possible. First off, I didn't even know careers consulting existed.

Long story short, my life was still really good after that. I met my husband at church - again something I would never imagine as he was definitely not what I had planned for. However, things changed in the last few months. Things weren't going as smooth. I got really depressed and started crying every second day and again thought..What does God want me to do? I went to church, I still had passion in playing the piano and with our youth group, "I gave my control to Him"... but I was still unhappy... then I found out I wasn't doing enough. And although I gave Him control, the worries I had in my life was not controlled by Him. It was controlled by me - what should I do next, when do I want a baby, where should I work...

So my story and journey continues...